48 Years of Marriage: My Secrets to a Long Marriage

Eight years ago, I was standing on a hotel patio in Florence, Italy, looking out over the magnificent city under a starlit sky. Phil, a fellow motorcyclist from our tour group, was beside me, smoking a cigarette and enjoying the quiet of the night.

We'd been talking about the day's ride through Tuscany when he suddenly asked me, "You've been married for 40 years. What is the secret to such a happy marriage? How did you stay together? I clearly wasn't able to do it."

That question stunned me. Here was this man—a serious life-long motorcyclist who told me he'd sometimes get on his bike to buy cigarettes and come back three days later—asking me to look back into our past and give him the secret to a successful marriage. I felt the loneliness in him when he confessed he couldn't make it work.

I can't remember what my answer was that night, but under pressure, I'm sure I came up with something.

I do remember my first thought: "I haven't thought about it." But that's not what I told him. Heck,

I left my hotel room that evening thinking about Italy and motorcycles. I returned thinking, "Why did Kathy and I stay married for forty years?"

Kathy and I had been celebrating our 40th anniversary with a motorcycle tour through Tuscany—an unforgettable trip with fun people, beautiful scenery, and great dinners. We'd started in Milan, rode through all of Tuscany, toured the Ducati factory in Bologna, then returned to Milan. It was wonderful.

But Phil's question has stayed with me for eight years.

If Phil asked me that question today, here's how I would answer.

First: Physical Attraction

When I saw her standing at her parents' front door, I was like, "Wow!" I thought she was beautiful, and her eyes were full of life. I was introduced to Kathy by my client, Jared. He must have felt like he was intruding as the three of us went out for dinner and dancing. I focused on Kathy. Kathy focused on me. All Jared could do was watch.

There has to be an initial physical attraction to each other.

Second: Genuine Enjoyment of Each Other's Company

That first night, we laughed, told stories about ourselves, danced, and partied. When I got back to my hotel, after we dropped Kathy off at her house, I felt like a piece of me was missing. It was the best night of my life. I could not wait to see her again.

You have to enjoy each other's company right from the beginning. You just want to be with the person, and they want to be with you, not for who they want you to be, but who you are. It's just pure acceptance and pure fun.

Third: True Love

We couldn't pass each other in a hall without a warm and close embrace and a passionate kiss. Our attraction was electric.

You have to fall in love. Some people like the idea of being in love. But if you are in love with the other person for who they are, that's special. The more you learn about them, the more excited you become, how grateful you are to have found such a person because you just love them and can't picture your life without them.

Fourth: A Shared Vision for Life

Kathy adopted my vision of building bigger and bigger businesses, and I adopted her vision of building a big family. We were on the same page with both of those. So when I wound up working a lot as we built our businesses, she didn't complain. It was hard—she had to learn how to deal with the loneliness—but she was all in from the beginning.

And as we started to build a family with our four children, she was the greatest mother ever. She loved those kids like the best of mothers love their children. She would do anything for them. They were on her mind full time, 24/7, just as business was on my mind full time, 24/7. But when time allowed, we worked on our shared goals—her getting involved with my work and me being involved with our family.

Fifth: Having Fun Together

The fun didn't end on the first date. Kathy and I still have fun, sometimes just being in the same space. Kathy told me just the other day, "After 48 years, the most fun I have is just hanging out with you."

I don't think there's any higher compliment than that, and I feel the same way. I just like hanging out with Kathy. It could be on a trip to London to visit my son and his family. It could be as simple as a motorcycle trip to the Georgia mountains. Or, having dinner at a local restaurant. It's fun to be with her, and, lucky for me, fun for her when she is with me.

We've enjoyed each other from the day we met, and here we are 48 years later, still enjoying each other. It's incredible. You got to have fun together.

Sixth: A Shared Faith

Kathy and I both grew up with some religious background, but God was not a thought early in our marriage. It was all about having fun and working hard and going on great trips, even when we couldn't afford them.

But after 15 years, stress started to move in on our marriage. Kathy was going to a therapist, dealing with the stress of raising three kids with no help from her husband, as I was traveling nonstop. I was isolating myself in business, chasing success at all costs.

By the end of our 30s, we had achieved everything we thought we wanted—two Mercedes, a beautifully, professionally decorated house in the suburbs, kids in private school, money in the bank, and a great income. We had it all, yet somehow it all felt empty. That's when everything unraveled.

I hit a wall, lost my job, and realized I was an alcoholic. I went to AA and got introduced to a higher power, who I later discovered was really Jesus Christ.

What I didn't realize at the time was just how difficult my process of discovering God was on Kathy. Here I was—unemployed, going to nightly AA meetings, bringing in no income, with no job prospects, and we'd stopped going out and having fun. It was such a drastic change in our marriage that made no sense to her. But Kathy hung in there.

One day, in the midst of this chaos, Kathy was invited to go on a three-day retreat. She didn't want to go—she told me, "I don't want to go away for a weekend with a bunch of strangers. I don't want to leave my kids." But she went anyway.

I learned just recently why she really went. She was afraid she was going to lose me. So she left her home and her kids and went on that retreat, thinking it might be the only way to save our marriage.

Three days later, I went to pick her up. When I arrived, Kathy was standing at a podium in front of a hundred people. Yes, my Kathy. She explained with calm and confidence how she came to realize she was a sinner and was separated from God. She repented, turned to God, confessed her sins, and received Jesus Christ as her Savior and Lord. I could not believe what I was seeing and hearing.

This was incredibly important in keeping us together to this day. Kathy tells people that not only were we born again, but just as importantly, our marriage was born again.

You must have a shared faith.

Seventh: Keep Growing Together

This was a tough life transition for us. Kathy focused much of her time on being a grandmother. She loves her children, and now she has the opportunity to love and care for her grandchildren. Just yesterday, she told me she spent two hours in the pool with our seven-year-old grandchild, Scotty. I asked her, "What did you do in the pool for two hours with him?" Clearly, this isn't my specialty!

The tough transition was me. I was no longer a leader in my community. Unlike family, business, and non-profit organizations, move on quickly. In a matter of months, it is "Charlie who?" I spent a few years finding my new place and purpose in life.

Kathy ushered me into the family and coached me on being a father and grandfather at this new stage of my life. She shared her secrets, stayed patient, and loved me through this transition. When my transition days were hard on me, they were also hard for her. But her love for me brought me through it.

We do even more together these days. But we also have our own interests and lives. What's great is that we continue to have a shared vision and shared interests. These shared interests include even simple things like a TV Series we watch and enjoy together.

We also talk about new topics specific to this time of life, like estate planning, philanthropy, burial plots, and long-term care. As I write this, I still have that picture in my mind of the first time I saw Kathy at her front door. Isn't it magnificent how we navigated this life together and continue to do so?

The Five Continues…

1. Continue to enjoy each other's company.

2. Continue to love each other by giving each other gifts, including the gift of time together.

3. Continue with new shared visions—grandchildren, adult children, in-laws, and how they all fit into our lives.

4. Continue to learn, read, go to plays, museums, serve together, and grow together.

5. Continue to follow His plan. God is good. He designed us to live life together.