Beyond the 'Is This It?' Phase: Realizing the True Potential of Long-Term Love

Is it time for your wife to get her act together?

You know what? 

She is thinking the same thing about you!

If I remember it right, this kind of thinking showed up after our seventh wedding anniversary. In fact, in 1955 there was a movie called The Seven Year Itch starring Marilynn Monroe and Tom Ewell. The plot here is focused on a man who fantasizes about having an affair. Wife and son out of town, his mind begins to wander. He thinks about all the other women in his life. How attractive they are. How nice. In fact, they are the picture of perfection. Then he meets his upstairs neighbor by accident, Marilynn Monroe. She is beautiful, young, carefree, and fun.

It turns out she has no interest in him, and he eventually comes to his senses. He’s married to a wonderful woman, and he’s a dad. 

“What am I thinking?” he exclaims.

I’m not saying everyone is thinking about having an affair after seven years of marriage. What I am saying is we do enter a re-evaluation stage. The newness is gone, and the long-term relationship has begun.

We go through phases in our relationship.

• There is the initial attraction

• The falling in love

• The wedding

• The building a life together

• The having kids

And then the “Is this it?” 

“I need to fix a few things here,” we say to ourselves about our spouse. “After all, he or she is the luckiest person in the world to be married to me!”

I must confess, I went through this phase. Kathy is wonderful. I love her now more than ever and never stopped loving her. Not for a moment. But back then, and maybe for some time after then, I was hoping to address a few things I would like her to change.

This led to criticism. 

Criticism poisons a relationship. 

My friend Regi used to say, “Advice not asked for is received as criticism. You can be as sweet and smooth as you can muster, but the conversation will not go well.”

Here’s a test: How do you feel when your wife tells you something you need to change about yourself? 

Got you.

So what are we to do when we have these thoughts about our spouse? I learned the answer to this question from a motivational speaker.

Kathy and I attended a Chairman’s Circle Club for a public company I was working for back then. It was at a brand new five-star hotel on the island of Maui. 

There were lots of speeches and lots of awards. Fancy dinners, beautiful views, gorgeous golf courses, even free helicopter rides around the island. It was first class, and, surrounded by all the corporation’s top performers, everyone was happy. 

This conference took place thirty-five years ago. I only remember two things. One was the name of the speech given by the keynote motivational speaker. And the second was his advice on marriage. I can’t even remember the guy’s name.

The speech title: “Jet Pilots Don’t Have Rearview Mirrors.”

And here was his advice on marriage…

“You want to be married to a princess? Start treating your wife that way. She will turn into a princess right before your eyes. I guarantee it.”

I asked myself, “How am I treating Kathy?”

Am I picking at her?

Am I trying to change her?

Am I finding fault?

Am I even nice to her?

Am I ignoring her?

How am I showing her I love her?

The answers to these questions were not all positive. And I am embarrassed to admit it.

I pledged to myself to treat Kathy like a princess.

I didn’t tell her.

I just decided to do it. 

There were good days and bad days.

On the good days, I treated her like the beautiful woman and wife she is. On the bad days, I treated her like a work in progress.

She transformed, and so did I, forty-three years later.

As our marriage progressed, year in and year out, there were more good days than bad days. But it was hard. As we entered the second half of our third decade of marriage, something happened. There were way more good days than bad days. She became a princess right before my eyes. And I believe I became her prince. 

Marriage is the hardest of all relationships.

If you take your wedding vows seriously, then you are in this relationship forever. And there are two ways you can go.

1. Dedicate your life to fixing your spouse, demanding change.

2. Treat your spouse as the person you hoped they would become.

You choose.

If you think it is just too late, remember the title of the speech…Jet Pilots Don’t Have Rearview Mirrors.