Discovering New Roles: The Unexpected Transition of Family Leadership

Leaving leadership in business was difficult but expected. Transitioning from my family leadership role was a surprise. Here is what happened.

I was sitting at the dining room table at my son-in-law’s house. They invited me and Kathy over to celebrate my seventy-first birthday. There I was at one head of the table. My son-in-law was at the other head of the table. In between us was Kathy, my son, my two daughters, my niece, and my other son-in-law. The grandchildren were at the kids’ table just outside the dining room.

As I sat there, I watched all the adults at our table telling stories, joking around, and generally enjoying each other. I realized I wasn’t part of their conversation. It really felt like it was their conversation and not mine. Not that I wasn’t welcomed into their conversation. It was simply not necessary.

In the past, I would have been at the center of the conversation because I was leading it. Then, I moved to being a part of the conversation as the kids moved to adulthood and marriage. Now, I am an outsider to their conversation. I am an observer. I am a grandpa in his seventies—three transitions I never noticed until now.

I sat there watching them interact and felt no compulsion to join in. They were doing just fine without me. They have full lives, careers, friends, kids, events, and experiences. They have so much to talk about. So much of the life they are living to share.

The only story worth sharing was when I picked up my son, Nick, to take him to this party. Kathy and I drove up to his apartment building, where we found him waiting. Kathy, who was sitting in the passenger seat, opened the door and got out. Nick then sat in the passenger seat and closed the door. I put the car in drive and started to pull out. It was then I heard a banging on the trunk of my car. I look in the rearview mirror, and Kathy is yelling, “What about me?”

The conversation continued without me. And then my daughter leaned over and said to me, "It is time to bring out your birthday cake. Are you ready?”

The cake was delivered, and the grandchildren were told to sit on my lap and stand around me. They were to "Help Grandpa blow out the candles." The whole family stood and sang Happy Birthday. Then, the children and I blew out the candles. The pictures were taken. Everyone then went back to their lives of cleaning up, bathing the kids, and, for others, their conversations. Grandpa’s birthday was over.

This experience showed me, for the first time in my life, that I was transitioning into my role in my family. I was no longer the center of attention as the paternal head of the family. My position is in transition. I saw this happen with my dad and with my grandparents. I just never realized what this must have felt like for them.

Now I do.

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