How I’m Learning to Shut Up and Listen

I am changing. I'm thinking more like a woman. Allow me to explain.

Kathy has frequently told me, "Just listen. I don't want you to fix this for me. Can't you just listen?"

I was told multiple times from people who teach on marriage that women want to share. They want to share what is going on in their lives with their husband and friends. They just want you to listen, to understand. What your wife does not want are suggestions, critiques, or a way to fix whatever it is. They don't ask for a fix and don't want it.

Men, we are different.

When presented with a problem someone is wrestling with, I listen carefully. While I'm listening, I'm thinking of alternatives to solving the problem. When the person is finished sharing, I might ask a couple of question to be sure I understand the problem. Then I jump in with, "This is what you should do."

I want to fix it.

I used to try really hard to follow the marriage expert advice. It was almost impossible. I was ready to bust trying to hold the solution bottled up while Kathy was talking. And a couple of times, I was successful. Most of the time I wasn't.

But I'm changing. I'm changing because I am dealing with problems for which there really is no solution yet. Here is a recent example.

I was sharing a personal perspective on aging and purpose with some friends the other day. Each of them, except one, wanted to solve the problem for me. They were doing what God built them to do.

But I really didn't want the problem solved. Heck, I couldn't even define the problem succinctly.

At one point while describing the problem, I said, "I apologize for not being able to express my feelings and my thinking around this issue in a logical and concise way. I know I sound like I'm just rambling, but this is what the conversation sounds like in my head."

The one friend who didn't offer advice was someone who shared a problem he was wrestling with at a meeting a few months ago. I remember when he was talking, I was thinking at the time, "He just wants to talk. He really doesn't want a suggestion. His talking is helping him process. I just need to listen. I can't fix him." So I just listened.

And when I shared my problem with my friends, I was looking for a solution. But as I started to get deeper in describing what was going on in my head, I realized I just needed to talk to someone who cared enough about me to listen. There was no way for me to provide enough context, depth, and shared feelings to have them offer a solution.

The problem I am wrestling with is very personal. It is between God and me. He made me. He knows exactly where I am. He knows where I should be going. God will reveal the answer in His time.

So I learned why I frustrated Kathy over the years. My fixing is not helping. Listening helps. If she wants advice, I'll hear her ask for it. If she doesn't ask, I need to just listen.

I always learn best through personal experience. Here is what I learned: I'm ready to just listen because I need people right now who will just listen to me.