How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk

It was opening day at the Little League ballpark. Music. Introduction of each player. The National Anthem. The official proclamation, "Play ball." Uplifting, fun, with high expectations of a new beginning. 

My eight-year-old grandson, Charles, stepped up to the plate for his first at-bat of the season. I could see he was nervous. I yelled some encouraging words. My daughter, his mom, told me, "You're making him even more nervous."

He struck out. 

"But it wasn't his fault," I told my family around me. Our coach was a lousy pitcher. He threw too fast and couldn't get the ball in the strike zone for these little kids. He wasn't even giving them a chance to hit. Most of what he threw to them was unhittable, in my opinion.

Next at-bat, strikeout. The next at-bat, strikeout. 

I still believe the coach was the problem. I want to blame him. But in all fairness, the other kids on the team were hitting the ball. 

Then I saw Charles walking out of the dugout headed for his mom. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. Tears of failure. The cry of, "Get me out of here. I suck at this." He's eight!

My daughter took him aside and talked to him for a very long time. I don't know what his mom said. I am sure she was speaking words of understanding and reassurance. But he continued to cry. It broke my heart. 

In time, he went back to the dugout. By the time he returned, it was too late in the game for him to have another at-bat. When the game was over, the team got together for the coach's pep talk. They handed out doughnuts as a reward. Then it was time to go home.

I asked Charles, "Can I give you a hug?"

He shook his head, "No."

I did it anyway.

I said, "I love you."

He said nothing. He just wanted to get out of there. 

I told my daughter just before they left, "I used to have this very same problem in baseball. It is not all about skill and fundamentals. It is about confidence. As practiced and prepared as I was for the at-bat, I suffered from a lack of confidence if there was a fast-ball pitcher at the mound. The negative self-talk started in the on-deck circle. By the time I got into the batter's box, I had talked myself into, ‘There is no way I'm going to hit this guy.’" 

I concluded, "It is all about believing you can do it."

"What am I supposed to do with that?" she asked in frustration. 

"Pray about it. Meditate on it," I said. "The answer will come." 

I had this very same negative self-talk when I gave my first presentation. And that's not the only situation. It happens before every presentation to this day. Every time I am going to sit down to write. Just before I meet with an entrepreneur who is seeking advice. Just before every interview I am about to do for the Charlie Paparelli Show. Right before a conference or networking event.

It happens all the time. It doesn't happen only when I am about to do something routine, like brushing my teeth.

I find myself constantly having to suppress the negative self-talk. I can write a great article. An article that receives amazing feedback. And just thinking about writing next week's article gets me thinking, "You're not a good writer. You had something to say last week. You’ve got nothing now." 

The same thing happens in preparing for every interview. "Why you? Look who you're going to interview. The guy is a super successful entrepreneur. You don't even deserve to be interviewing this guy."

But over the years, I learned not to allow this negative self-talk to stop me. 

Interestingly, I write how Charles' three strikeouts reminded me of where it all began. I advanced just so far in baseball. My limiter was my negative self-talk, resulting in a lack of confidence to perform. And I had to learn to deal with it all my adult life. 

I'm not sure where this came from. My father. My coaches. My teachers. My friends. But it doesn't matter. Even if I could figure out who to blame, the negative self-talk is something I have to deal with. It's mine. I either give in to it, or I fight it into submission.

How I fight it into submission.

1. I know it is a lie when I hear it. I'm made in the image of God. He doesn't put me in positions to fail. He puts me in situations to succeed. As Paul the Apostle said in the midst of some of his most excellent rejections and failures, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

2. I trust God. I put into practice what Paul said. I'll say to myself, "No. You can't do this. But with God, all things are possible." What I need to do is do what I am being asked to do. Yes. Just do it. Step into it. When asked, say, "Yes." In my heart of hearts, I know I must trust God for my confidence.

3. Forget about me. Focus on my work and who I am to serve. I realized that negative self-talk only happens when I am focused on myself and my performance. I'm worried about why I'm not the best qualified, how I might be judged, what other people might think. I'm not thinking about my team, if I use the baseball example. I'm thinking about myself. 

And then the shift happens. I stop focusing on myself. I start focusing on the people I am serving. This change in focus results in my resolve beginning to emerge. I want to help them. My motivation is not focused on my performance. It is focused on helping others in any way I can. This realization changes everything. It gives me the confidence to not only continue but to succeed. And to know I can.

I think, "Here I am. I'm in the right place at the right time." 

Then all I have to do is what I've practiced or done at least one time before. This quiets my mind and engages the rest of me. I'm on automatic. I'm trusting God. I'm in the flow. It works, and I'm not even doing it. I am present.