My Sister’s Last Question Still Haunts Me

Did I Win...Or Did I Just Follow God's Design?

She said, “So you won. Does that make you happy?”

“Won what I asked?”

Of course, I wasn’t going to get an answer as my eighty-four-year-old sister was in the hospital and in a state of dementia confusion. But I learned in life that there is always some truth in the words spoken to me. I may have to think through what is said, but there is truth in there somewhere. It is so easy to discount something someone says to me. To do this is a disservice to them and to me.

What was she trying to say?
What emotion is bottled up in her that needs to come out?
Why is she saying this to me right now?
Why in this hurtful and argumentative tone?

This statement from my sister is in my head. It never left. I need to explore it, to find the truth in it.

Were we competitive?
I didn’t feel that way, or did I?
Am I being honest with myself?
Did this competition provide a life-long wedge in our relationship?

As her 11-year-younger brother, I never saw a competition. I went on with my life, working to better myself and provide for my family. My motivation was not to “win” or do better than my sister. I wasn’t aiming to create jealousy; I was aiming to achieve my goals for my family and me. I do not believe I was in a competitive race.

But my sister clearly did.

In the end, she was either jealous or envious. She was the beneficiary of this success and stability, but clearly envied it. This is a difficult situation to live in.

She lived in the tension of “My brother loves me and will help me anyway he can. I hate that I need this help. I wanted to be successful and independent, too.”

But along the way, my sister made life and career choices that laid the groundwork for a dependent life.

She chose to attain advanced degrees.
She chose to become a teacher to create financial stability.
She chose to be a painter.
She chose to live alone rather than marry.
She chose not to have children.
She chose to leave her teaching job.
She chose part-time teaching work.
She chose to accept a monthly stipend from me to keep her financially stable.
She chose to accept a gift of cars and a condo.

And now she asks me, “You won. Are you happy?”

No. I am not happy.

I didn’t want you to have the life you chose. I wanted you to see the consequences of your choices long before you had to live them out. To see that retreating from society, for whatever reason, would result in loneliness and dependence.

I know you were depressed, but you chose to stay under the care of a psychiatrist who made you into a non-functional lump of clay.

This broke my heart.

But what was I to do? I had a wife, four kids, and a career I was pursuing. I invited you for the holidays. I accepted the friends you brought. I visited you. My kids visited you.

You insulted me, my wife, my kids, and my friends. You judged me all along the way because you weren’t happy with yourself and your choices. Yet you doubled down on your life choices. “I am an artist!” you would say. Like, there was some nobility to this occupation, despite it making you my dependent.

Maybe this is some of my fault. In 1981, when we sold our company, I should have given you nothing. I should have left you to your life consequences.

If I did this, you would have to figure out how to make money. How to live without financial help. You figured it out for the first forty years. Then I stepped in and changed your motivation. You realized you had a safety net that let you lose your self-sustaining financial discipline.

When you no longer needed the money…

You stopped taking responsibility for providing for your most basic needs. You stopped living and needing others. You became all about yourself. And I allowed it to happen. And I supported you in this decision by continuing to provide for you, your choices, and their consequences.

What have I done?

I stepped into and disrupted the natural order of life. The way these systems work and have worked for millennia.

We must be educated.
We must stay in good health.
We must find an occupation that provides enough money to live on.
We must find a spouse to live our lives with (two is better than one)
We must save for retirement or harsh financial seasons.
We must have kids to honor what God commanded in Adam and Eve from the beginning, to go forth and multiply.
We must engage with society and contribute to the furtherance of a healthy mankind.
We must help others financially. Those who made bad choices are now living through bad consequences. (Although Jesus said, “The poor will always be with you.”)

This is the order of the world.

These are the choices that make for a healthy person, community, and society. This is God’s design.

So, did I win, or did I make the godly choices that led to a better, more stable, healthier life?

Winning in life is choosing God’s way. Winning is not about money. Wealth may result from these choices. But wealth, as is everything else in life, comes from God and by following God.

I didn’t win as in, I did better than you did.

I followed God’s plan. The results of my choices made you envious, and I am sorry for these feelings you have. But your feelings, like your life, are a result of “doing it your way.” Your choices, which began with walking away from God, led to the consequences you faced—a life of dependence for the last 40 years of your life.

And this makes me sad for you. I am sorry this happened. You fell in with the wrong crowd and followed them to their predicted consequences.

In the end, we are who we hang with. The people we hang with are following somebody and their teachings. I followed God. Who did you follow?

Is her question to me a result of living a life ending in regrets? I don’t know.