What Is Family?
The mother of the bride said to me, “I guess I have a son-in-law now.”
To which I responded, “And I guess that makes you a mother-in-law.”
I became a father-in-law for the first time eight years ago. My daughter Julia married Zack, a virtual stranger to me at the time. He wasn't a complete stranger. As their relationship became more serious, we had the requisite dinner here and there. Then he began showing up at holiday events. So I knew him but not well enough to commit to him being in my life for the rest of my life.
This was the man who would be the father of my grandchildren. I didn't choose him to be my son-in-law. I didn't even choose him to be my daughter's husband. I had no say in their relationship because it was their relationship not mine. But the day they got married, I became a father-in-law.
This meant that I had to build a relationship with Zack. He was there. He was now in my life. And he would be in my life for the rest of my life. We were sort of slammed together and told to be friends. Most of my friends are my age. Now I was being forced into having a friend who was a generation younger.
And I do need to be friends. In fact, we are more than friends. In a mutual "I do" statement, Zack became family. Family trumps friends. And we all know how difficult family can be. So I'm thinking, "What do I do now?"
Then it hit me.
I didn't choose this role called father-in-law. This is the first time in my life I was assigned a role I didn't pursue. I mean, I wanted to become a husband. I even wanted to be a father. But I never aspired to become a father-in-law!
As I write this, I realize how ridiculous this sounds. I wanted my daughter to get married and have children. I believe it is God's plan for us and God's gift to have a family. It matures us, and it makes life full and purposeful. But I never gave it a thought that her getting married would give me a new role and responsibilities. I thought that was all on her.
Then Julia had a baby. He was born nine months to the day of their wedding date. They named him Charles after me, his grandfather.
Wait a minute. I'm a grandfather!
Here is another role that was assigned to me. I was just learning to accept the role of father-in-law, and now I had a new role called grandfather. The new roles were coming so quickly.
I was just learning how to be a father-in-law. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I was very good at it. After eight years, I think I am getting better, but I am not the judge. You need to ask Zack and see what he thinks. But then what criteria is he going to use to judge my father-in-law performance? After all, he is a first-time son-in-law. He wanted to be a husband not a son-in-law. He's in the same position I am.
So Zack and I are in this together. He needs to figure out how we build a relationship going forward. How we will interact. How close we will become. How to appreciate each other for our differences and not just our similarities. How to maybe even become friends. But regardless of how our relationship progresses, we are family for life. And as the saying goes, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family."
Back to being a grandfather.
I was a bit overwhelmed when Zack and Julia named our first grandchild Charles. I got a call from my friend Bird Blitch. He congratulated me. Then he said, "It is really a big deal to me to be named after my grandfather. He was a great man. I lived my life knowing I had the responsibility to live a life reflective of his reputation."
This blew me away.
This little baby is my namesake. If he thinks like Bird, then I better start working on building a great reputation. And not only a good reputation in business, but also in our community. And even more important to build a great reputation in my family. Being a good husband and father and father-in-law.
I didn't choose to become a grandfather. But I am one. The new role of grandfather, just like the new role of father-in-law, comes with massive responsibilities.
Role models
The first place I go to figure out how to be a father-in-law is to my father-in-law. Ray was a great role model. He vetted me carefully on the way into the family and loved and respected me all the way to his death. I felt like we had a great relationship. I truly loved and respected him and all he did to provide for his family and raise his daughters to be wonderful women and mothers. He provided for a great education and strong moral guidance. He was a good father and, later, father-in-law to me.
So I see myself patterning myself after what he did. Show interest but don't get too involved. Show respect that Julia and Zack have their own family. I am not to speak into their family as it is not mine. It is up to them. It is their relationship and their children. This is how Ray showed me respect. But I also must confess, I wanted his approval. I saw how great a job he did as husband and father, and I wanted to do the same.
Then there is the grandfather role. I never really had a grandfather in my life. I was born when my mom was forty-three. I was the surprise baby. By the time I knew there were people in my life beyond my mom, dad, and sister, one grandfather had passed, and the other was so old he didn't communicate.
Now I have to figure out how to be a grandfather without a first-hand role model in my life. And this is hard to do. I look at my friends and see how they choose to be grandfathers. I believe some are way too involved in the grandchildren's lives, while others are distant. "Where is the sweet spot?" I wonder.
But whatever grandfather I choose to be, that's the grandfather my grandchildren will have. The truth is there is another grandfather, so they get to compare. It is up to their parents to raise them right. All I can do is love them and, as they grow older, be a bit of an influence in their lives. Hopefully, they will remember me fondly as a good role model.
The lesson for me is this.
Life continues to be more and more interesting as I age. I am being assigned new roles with new responsibilities. And this never happened in my life. At every stage of my life, I always chose the roles I wanted and knew the responsibilities associated with them.
Life is different now. It is even fuller. It is bigger every day, every month, and every year. When Kathy and I were married, it was just the two of us. Then we had Julia, then Lisa, then David, and finally, Nick. We were a family of six.
Then Julia married Zack, and we were a family of seven. They had Charles and Henry, and we were a family of nine. Then Lisa got married to Allen, and we were a family of ten. Then they had Scotty, Grayson, and Hadley (due in December). Now we were a family of thirteen. Then David married Amanda, and we are a family of fourteen.
What's happening here?
Serial growth, completely under my control by my choice, has turned into exponential growth.
Isn't is great?
God has a plan. We are to "go forth and multiply" and be forced to grow right along with it. It's called the richness and blessing of family!
Postscript
My daughters married well, and so did my son. I am the proud father-in-law to the best sons-in-law ever. Zack and Allen are fine men who love my daughters and value their families and provide well for them.
My son is married to my very first daughter-in-law. Amanda set the standard high. They have a relationship based in Christ. They are truly in love and partners and best friends in life. They even started a business together while David was completing his Master’s from the London School of Economics.
I knew I settled into this new father-in-law role when that new relational tension was gone. I look forward to my time with Zack, Allen, and Amanda. And I believe they look forward to seeing Kathy and me as much as we enjoy seeing them. We are family, and we are there for each other.
In AA they have a saying, "It works when you work it." It is also true in families.