Why It Matters Who You Let In

“You have really done great things with your marriage, your family, and your profession,” my sister wrote to me as the last sentence in a long and supportive text.

My first reaction when I read this was, “How did my life work out this way? It surely didn’t start this way.”

While in the midst of building our fast growth startup thirty years ago, we hired Craig. We were selling software to CPAs nationally, and Craig joined us from Arthur Anderson. At the time, AA was the biggest and most respected CPA firm in the world. They only hired the best and the brightest, and Craig surely qualified.

He was one of those people who change the trajectory of a startup. He was not afraid to do anything. Installations, teaching classes, travel, managing important projects, writing and executing test plans, product management, helping salespeople close deals. He did it all. Every startup needs people like Craig.

And I loved the man. 

He was one of those people in life that I connected with. Even though we were about the same age, he had wisdom beyond his years. He was one of the first young men that I met who lived by a code. His code was the Jewish laws and traditions. He had great respect for his parents and wanted to please them by making good life decisions.

But his life decisions tortured him. He, like all of us, was a man who lived in the world. He wanted to live life large, and he did. He was a man of great intellect and equally of great passion. He applied these two characteristics to everything he did in life, especially his relationships.

When he fell in love, he was all in. I know we loved each other. He respected me and the love I found early in my life with Kathy. He wanted that, too. He often shared his desire for marriage and a family. But he had a problem.

He was always falling in love with non-Jewish women.

He believed, as his parents did, that he needed to marry a Jew. To have children and to raise them as Jews. 

I watched him end what appeared to me to be a most passionate love affair. It was gut-wrenching to watch what Craig went through. But he knew and believed in his heart this was the right thing to do. God had a plan for him, and the plan was for him to meet and fall in love with a Jewish woman.

I share this story with you because Craig had a big impact on me and my faith. 

There were people I met in my life who lived by a code. They lived by something that was bigger than they were. They lived believing there was a God and he had a way for us to follow. A way for us to live. There was a right way and a wrong way to live, and God’s way was the right way. And if we followed God’s way, we would, in fact, have a better life. This each of them believed.

But the rest of the world lived by their own code. This included me. 

I always knew there was a right way, God’s way, but I did not like it. I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. I chose to do the things that were enjoyable and just plain felt right. This was the code of society. I was just doing what everybody else was doing. So I concluded, that made me OK. After all, how could my whole world be wrong?

Craig would often quote a Jewish expression, “When you lie with dogs, you wake up with fleas.” 

I must confess, I didn’t understand the depth of this expression when I was twenty-six. It took me a lifetime to get the true meaning of this wisdom.

It was people like Craig whom I was drawn to. I believe this was God bringing me closer to Him. This was God protecting me. My feelings got me in trouble. I knew it because when I acted on those feelings, there were always less than optimal consequences. 

So I spent my life choosing the people I would allow in my life. I realize now, I was always doing this. I ran from some. Walked away from others. Held tight to few.

These decisions are incredibly important.

The people we spend our time with are the people who shape our lives. 

These are the people who:

• Shape our values

• Show us what it is to live by a code

• Show us the right relationships

• Introduce us to our life-long spouse

• Help us raise our children

• Show us the way to God

In short, the people we hold close show us how to live and show us how to die. They know the way because they live by a code. There is a right way and a wrong way. It is God’s way.